Have you ever been completely disrupted from walking righteously with God?

About two years ago I went through a trial which took me completely by surprise. Just the week prior I had attended Passover and The Days of Unleavened Bread. I experienced great peace at having a very memorable and meaningful holy day season. God's Spirit led me clearly through every aspect of my life and all was well. At this very point in time I could not have been more content involving my relationship with God. Then the "trial of trials" seemed to come out of nowhere with full force.

Things changed dramatically and swiftly. The trial involved wanting my will over God's will and the resultant justification and sin that went with it. It was hard to admit the reality of this to myself, and along the way I realised my heart was becoming hardened. It seemed to "snowball" with intensity. For about one month I repeatedly sinned day after day many times over by putting my will first before God.

During this time I exercised free will in many wrongful thoughts, words and actions. Subsequently I had difficulty sleeping, eating, concentrating and praying. I felt ill most of the time but I was also excited and happy. The mix of emotions was strong and magnetising to the point I wanted to ignore what God was trying to tell me with His still quiet voice (1 Kings 19:11-12).

Due to many previous trials, I was familiar with this still quiet voice and knew it to be accurate and how God was trying to lead me through the perils of sin and turn from my ways. If only I would really listen and take notice!!! I kept justifying to myself that I could stop sinning at any time but kept indulging my very fertile imagination. My mind was so actively involved in sinful thoughts it wouldn't shut down for more than 3 hours each night. Sometimes I would be awake all night unable to stop thoughts of what I wanted to do.

I prayed, I repented, I cried, I told God His will before my will. I even fasted more than once but I was not surrendering my will completely to our most loving, longsuffering Father. The problem was my heart was not fully invested in wanting God's will over my own. God knew the intention of my heart and He knew I didn't really mean what I was saying (Jeremiah 17:9-10). The reality was that I was just going through the motions, as it were. It even got to the stage where I almost took matters into my own hands through actions that would have affected not only myself but many others. Thankfully my dear friend spoke words of sense to me even though I wanted to ignore them, but deep down inside I knew intellectually she was right. During times of tests and trials it is so important to have good examples around us in family, friends and brethren (Proverbs 13:20).

One aspect of my walk with God that has been powerfully developed has been faith. God gave me this wonderful gift and I thought I still had great faith. But if so, then surely God would cause what I wanted to happen, to actually happen? Well He didn't. Instead God saved me from myself (yet again) and had something much better in mind for me. I didn't know this yet. I thought what was before my eyes was the opportunity of a lifetime and did not want to miss out. However it would have been a monumental mistake and would have ruined my life. Clearly I also needed to develop patience and self-control.

LESSONS LEARNED FROM GOD'S PERFECT LOVE

I did wholeheartedly listen to God eventually but it took all of my faith, concentration and trust to yield to Him when I didn't really want to. God was so willing to help me, but I needed to make real effort at showing Him I wholeheartedly did mean what I said, instead of being half-hearted about everything.

What I desire to share with others is, no matter how things look in front of you, God sees the whole picture and the big picture. We do not. Have that belief and faith. Somehow I became inwardly focussed instead of outwardly focussed. Involvement in sin does that. It changes clarity of godly thoughts into doubt and uncertainty.

When this realisation hit me I understood that's why I've been so content in between all the tests and trials I've had. Practising day after day an outward focus in helping others leaves no room for self. I let the "ball" drop for a month and became ever increasingly inwardly focussed to the point of misery, stress, confusion and even anger. These emotions were strange for me to experience again as they were unfamiliar to me and part of my pagan life before God called me.

I really thought I knew myself but God showed me that it will take the rest of my physical life to fully know who I am. Before this trial came along, I completely believed that I would never engage in this sin due to thinking I am strong in this area. God showed me otherwise. He will allow certain situations in order for us to grow and learn that we must be ever vigilant in resisting and overcoming rather than thinking we have it all under control. I had prideful thoughts about it from time to time and the Adversary, the devil, had a foothold to a way in to accuse me otherwise (Ephesians 4:27, 1 Peter 5:8-9). This is what the devil enjoys doing. Separating us from our Father through engaging in sin. As we know sin leads to death (Deuteronomy 30:11-20). Surely we will choose life by living righteously and giving God humble, heartfelt obedience.

As I sit here soberly recounting the danger I was in, I realise how much love and mercy God has for us His beloved children.  Our Father and Jesus Christ desire so fully to see us resist and overcome so that God will finish the work in us that He so beautifully started (Philippians 1:6).  I thank God deeply that He did not remove His Holy Spirit from me during this time of sinful rebellion. May I leave you with the words of A Prayer of Repentance from King David in Psalm 51 which we all need as a template for encouragement.